declaring your truest yes
last call: the joy of saying no giveaway closes tomorrow
As I heal, I think of my younger self and my heart breaks over how I used to betray her.
The heartbreak is an echo of shame, a series of intrusive memories that haunt me. I grieve who I could have been. I grieve those missed opportunities to direct my path, to say yes to what felt right, and no to what felt wrong. The sister life that haunts me is the one where I trusted my intuition, and believed that my voice mattered. The one where I didn’t shrink and apologize for taking up space—especially in my relationships with men.
“I'll never know, and neither will you, of the life you don't choose. We'll only know that whatever that sister life was, it was important and beautiful and not ours. It was the ghost ship that didn't carry us. There's nothing to do but salute it from the shore.” ― Cheryl Strayed
In my sister life, when my college boyfriend tried to break up with me freshman year to see other girls; I happily let him go, instead of channeling Dreamgirls and basically declaring — “I’m not going! You’re gonna love me!” — like I did in reality.
In my sister life, when another boyfriend dismissed my growing interest in understanding my mental health; I sensibly let him go, instead of holding tighter, believing that I could change him.
In my sister life, when I realized that the father of my children and I had different values on key issues; I faced it and addressed it, instead of trying to deny mine to align with his.
These are just a few red flags that burn in my memory, consuming time, space, and energy. Time I can’t get back, words I didn’t say, and energy I gave to the wrong things. I romanticize what life would have been like if I’d found voice sooner. What could have been different if I’d heeded the red flags, and trusted the gut feelings. If I’d been able to declare my truest yes and my truest no to myself and to the world.
In The Joy of Saying No by Natalie Lue, she says, “Sometimes you will hate how saying no feels, not because it or you are wrong but because you’re finally feeling your feelings and recognizing how uncomfortable you are with vulnerability and the possibility of disappointing others. Your emotional baggage is showing itself. In that moment, you grieve the version of you that used to think that avoiding no was the Way. You release a little more of the fantasy, the old stories and judgments, and you’re a little lighter because you’re healing, growing, and learning.”
As I heal, I am sitting with the discomfort of what I put myself through and forgiving myself for what I didn’t know. I am releasing the fantasies, stories, and judgments about who I thought I needed to be and who I think I should have been.
Lue also goes on to say, “Life presents you with people and situations to help you say no so that you can say yes to a more peaceful, enjoyable, authentic, joyful life.”
As I heal, I accept that we can’t find ourselves if we never get lost. Life presents us with people and situations so we can make choices, observe outcomes, and release the versions of ourselves that couldn’t see and didn’t know. And maybe our sister lives are not as far away as we think. What parts of those unlived lives do we still have access to through the choices we make today?
That’s what I’m spending my forties figuring out.
For your reflection:
Journal about an area of your life where your yes’s and no’s were (or are) in conflict with your intuition. What ripple effects has this caused in your life? What have you learned from this? How have you acted (or not acted) on what you’ve learned?
The Joy of Saying No book giveaway closes tomorrow
Leave a comment below to be entered to win a copy of author Natalie Lue’s book, The Joy of Saying No. I will be giving away one book here on Substack and one on Instagram.
In addition to receiving the book, the winners will be able to join us for our Author Visit with Natalie on January 27. Details below.
coming soon:
Our first Inner Story Author Chat w/ Natalie Lue on January 27 at 10 am et
This Saturday, January 27 at 10 am et, the Inner Story Writing Circle will be joined by author Natalie Lue to discuss her book, The Joy of Saying No: A Simple Plan to Stop People Pleasing, Reclaim Boundaries, and Say Yes to the Life You Want.
I’ve read other books about boundaries, but I was missing the deeper layers of why we people-please, how to heal the inner wounds that cause the behavior, and how to expand your nervous system to manage the uncomfortable feelings that come with taking your power back. Lue’s book is giving me meaning and self-understanding. In our session, Natalie will be answering questions about her book and her writing journey.
If you are not a member and would like to join us, you can purchase a copy of Natalie’s book (any format), email me proof of purchase, and I’ll send you the link to join us. Proof of purchase can be a photo of you with the book, a picture of your receipt, etc. You can also grab a copy from the library if you can access it that way.
upcoming workshops:
February 2. Free Writing the Layers Monthly Workshop // 7 pm et
February 7. The Practice Journaling Session #12 w/ Lindsey Van Wagner // 12 - 1:30 pm et (free for paid subscribers, or you can drop in for a $15 fee.)
February 21 - March 6. The Art of Writing Rough Drafts (via The Writer’s Center) // 6 - 8 pm et (three sessions)