manifesting your writing dreams

notes on worthiness, dreaming, and becoming

my self-published books, published between 2014 and 2018

“People wish to be poets more than they wish to write poetry, and that’s a mistake. One should wish to celebrate more than one wishes to be celebrated.” –Lucille Clifton

I’ve had trouble with worthiness. I’ve used humility as an excuse to make my expectations small. In 2014, when I released my first self-published book, The Beautiful Disruption, I planned a book launch at a local cafe and told almost no one about it so that I wouldn’t be disappointed if no one showed up. I was proud of what I created, and I wanted to celebrate the storytelling, but I was afraid of what it meant to be celebrated. I wanted to stay safely behind my computer screen where I could hit publish, close my laptop, and go hide.

I have long celebrated being a writer, but have had trouble celebrating the attention and expectations that come with it. I have relished being a part of the chorus, while resisting the spotlight of being the soloist.

I was the opposite of Lucille Clifton’s quote. I wished to write the poetry, but I couldn’t wrap my mind around how I could be a worthy part of the celebration. Who did I think I was, after all? I’d lived most of my life, starting with the book of Genesis in Sunday school, believing that I was born wretched and unworthy. A belief that was strengthened over the years by my mother’s daily accusations. But that’s a topic for another day.

During yesterday’s Practice Session, Lindsey guided us through a meditation where she asked us to visualize ourselves in a moment in the future, perhaps a year from now. She said:

Look around you. Where are you? Who are you with? What does it look like? Take in all of the details. What does it feel like in your body, in your energy, what emotions are coming up? Do you feel connected? Tuned in? What are you doing in this space? What is different about you then, compared to you today?  What are you aware of then, that is at this point undiscovered?

As I surrendered to her gentle direction, I visualized myself at my book launch in fall 2025. I’m parking my car (which is significant because I don’t have my own car right now) in the lot across from The Writer’s Center in Bethesda, because of course I will want to launch there. A place where I’ve grown and found my wings as a writer and creative facilitator. I’m crossing the street and walking up those familiar steps with my family. I’m walking into the Reading Room where I’ve attended events and sat on panels and I’m being greeted by family, friends, fellow writers, and readers who have been or will be part of my journey. I hear the hum of goodwill and warm conversation as I walk through the door. I smell wine and snacks and for some reason it smells like church which for me includes the familiar fragrance of Black people who scrubbed and oiled themselves up before stepping out. I’m taking in the smiles and hugs and I’m not overwhelmed by the fact that this night is about me. I’m taking up space without self-consciousness or guilt or imposter syndrome. I’m not apologetic or anxious. I’m where I’ve worked to be—emotionally, spiritually, professionally. Expanded.

The vision was clear; it gave me a feeling of certainty that I now know well as a sign of truths to come. My experience with visualization is that I develop a picture of where I see myself and what I see myself doing and I think about how I want to feel in that setting and then I think about what I can be doing now to bring about those feelings. I focus on the emotional truth of the vision. The vision may not take the exact shape that I picture, but the emotional truth inevitably manifests and the rest I leave up to the divine. 

The emotional truth in my visualization about the book launch is my desire to know that I’m a worthy part of the creative celebration without my ego and my demons and my fears getting in the way. 

It’s not so much about the event but about my ability to handle the reality of what happens when you walk confidently, with trust, towards your dreams. When you keep walking. When the walk itself is the purpose. The walk itself is the dream. And you accept the things that happen as a result of the walk, the highs and lows, and you’re not consumed with or defined by them.

You have to hold it lightly, this writing thing. The ambition part. The expectations you place on it. You don’t want to squeeze it so hard that it hides from you. Let the urge be, make room for it, without placing chains on it. The goal you are seeking, the feeling you want, doesn’t come the moment you obtain it, it comes from the journey you take to get there.

As I write this book, I’m reminding myself not to lose sight of what this practice means to me. This book is not an ambition to prove myself, it is an adventure. When I am overwhelmed about the decisions I have to make, the learning curves and the deadlines, I remember that this calling is my responsibility to nurture and define. No external measurement can give me the peace of knowing that I’m walking in my calling and I’m not shrinking and dimming my light like I did for so long. 

Reflection:

Do you have trouble accepting that you are worthy of realizing your dreams?

Do you relish the writing process, but struggle with promoting and celebrating your work? How does this inner conflict show up in your journey?

Do you romanticize the sexy part of writing—having your creative work publicly acknowledged— while resisting the day-to-day reality of doing the work? How does this inner conflict show up in your writing journey?

Do you use visualization as a tool in your creative practice and personal development? How so?

---

coming soon:

Author Chat w/ Javacia Harris Bowser on February 28 at 12 pm et

In the Inner Story Writing Circle, we have author chats each month and next up we are excited to welcome Javacia Harris Bowser. Javacia is an award-winning journalist, essayist, and educator. She’s also an author and we’ll be discussing her book, Find Your Way Back, a collection of essays that demonstrate how she’s used writing to achieve some of her wildest dreams such as being a public speaker, having her own column, and being her own boss. The book also explores how writing, self-love, and faith helped her overcome her worst nightmare: a cancer diagnosis in 2020.

Javacia’s goal is to show readers how writing can transform their lives as well. The book includes prompts throughout to help readers start their own writing journey.

If you’d like to attend this session and join our all-access writing group to support your personal story work & creative development, you can learn more about the Inner Story Writing Circle here.

You can also attend the session by purchasing a copy of Find Your Way Back and sending me proof of purchase. Also, I’ll be hosting a giveaway for the book soon, so stay tuned!