what i don't remember

on childhood memories and using what you have

While I’m writing my book, I’m working with a therapist, and doing some prompt-driven memory work. I’m writing about a past that I can barely recall. I want to locate my inner child, reclaim her. But she is known for hiding. There’s so much I don’t remember about her. This post is my response to the prompt ‘childhood bedroom.’ 

I have no pictures of my own bedrooms, but this is my mom and I in my parents’ bedroom circa 1979. I wouldn’t have this if I hadn’t snagged those two photo albums.

At first, I can’t remember my childhood bedroom, but then I remember a faceless brown girl with fuzzy braids sleeping in a twin bed with a Strawberry Shortcake bedspread. I don’t know why she’s faceless. To go back to her, I close my eyes and let the current world around me dissolve. I crawl into her skin, merge with her, to experience what life was like for us back then.

I remember us listening to the Cinderella movie at night on a vinyl record player that sat next to the bed. I can hear the mice singing the Work Song now, “Cinderelly, Cinderelly”. The wall on the other side of the bed is lined with pastel pillows, Cabbage Patch dolls and Pound Puppies so nothing can slither through the crack and get us. Across from the bed, there was a wooden brown chest of drawers with tarnished gold handles that clanked when you opened and closed the drawers. We wanted the bedroom door open at all times, so when the shadows on the wall started moving we could run across the hall and jump into our parents’ bed.

I remember us being eleven or twelve, maybe older, and moving into our brother’s old room next door. We inherited his full-sized bed and the dookie brown and orange striped bedspread that came with it. I don’t remember the color of the curtains, but we got in trouble if we opened them. I don’t remember exactly what posters we were on the wall but I’m sure they came from Right On! Magazine, and Word Up! Magazine, and sometimes Vibe. We also inherited our brother’s brown wooden drawer set, but it didn’t have the loud clanking hardware and there was a mirror attached. We discovered our hips and our rhythm and our angles dancing in front of that mirror. I remember us getting in trouble when our mother came in pointing at a forbidden crack in the curtains, accusing us of putting on a show for the boys across the street. There was nowhere to run when the shadows in her mind started moving.

I remember the smell of the cedar chest at the foot of the bed, and at first I couldn’t recall what was in it, then I remember the photo albums. We took a couple of them with us when we moved out. I don’t remember the size of the closet, or the color of the carpet, or if the door had a lock on it. But I do remember the brown clock radio next to the bed with the dial fixed to 105.9 WAMO, and at night instead of Cinderella, we listened to The Quiet Storm’s love-making music to go to sleep.

I remember the witching hours, waking up to our mother’s demons. I don’t remember if the door made a noise when she came into our bedroom at night, or how often she came in yelling or singing or silent, but I do remember the disturbance, how her fraught presence was always loud enough to wake us up. She was never a physical threat, but she was a temperamental time bomb so we blocked out, spaced out, floated away when her reality departed from ours. One day we would learn that it’s common for schizophrenia symptoms to worsen at night. 

There’s plenty I don’t remember, but when I start with an object, a moment, a feeling, then gently, little by little, the detail blooms into more. I like to think that what I do remember is my inner child communicating with me, leading me to what she wants me to know. She requires that I share her my truths, that I reassure her that the truth is safe here, before she reveals her own. Which is interesting because truth-telling and reassurance is what she sat in those bedrooms craving from her parents. 

This is a developing story. We are still getting to know each other. We’ll give updates as we learn more.

Note: Thinking about trying this exercise? Keep in mind that writing about the past can be heavy. I’ll be teaching a workshop on the Writing to Heal method in March for paid subscribers. Details coming soon. Also keep in mind that I am not a mental health professional, and the exercises I share are for creative purposes only. Your life is your creative material. It’s okay if you don’t remember everything. Use what you have.

---

coming soon:

The Art of Writing Rough Drafts

Do you ever think to yourself:

“I have many creative ideas and stories to tell, but why is it so hard to get my ideas out of my head and onto the page?”

This workshop helps you understand your creative process on a deeper level so you can work with it and not against it. You will learn the difference between the mindset needed for idea and draft generation and the mindset needed for organizing and editing your work. We will experiment with variations of expressive and intuitive writing, and other techniques that break down barriers to writing. Writers will come away with a rough draft and a new appreciation for the early stages of story development. You can learn more here.

Author Chat w/ Javacia Harris Bowser on February 28 at 12 pm et

In the Inner Story Writing Circle, we have author chats each month and next up we are excited to welcome Javacia Harris Bowser. Javacia is an award-winning journalist, essayist, and educator. She’s also an author and we’ll be discussing her book, Find Your Way Back, a collection of essays that demonstrate how she’s used writing to achieve some of her wildest dreams such as being a public speaker, having her own column, and being her own boss. The book also explores how writing, self-love, and faith helped her overcome her worst nightmare: a cancer diagnosis in 2020.

Javacia’s goal is to show readers how writing can transform their lives as well. The book includes prompts throughout to help readers start their own writing journey.

If you’d like to attend this session and join our all-access writing group to support your personal story work & creative development, you can learn more about the Inner Story Writing Circle here.

You can also attend the session by purchasing a copy of Find Your Way Back and sending me proof of purchase. Also, I’ll be hosting a giveaway for the book next week, so stay tuned!